Psalm 23 5:13 PM

I woke up this morning feeling like my head was going to fall off and explode. I knew I was sick, but at this point, I was kind of just consumed with disgustingness. Oh, perfect. Ahead of me was a huge, exciting day that I had been looking forward to...and it was about to fail.

The harder I pushed to convince myself that I could get through the day ahead and keep to my commitments...the more horrible I felt. This was not a coincidence.

If you've heard of the 5 love languages or know what I'm talking about, then you will understand when I say that my most prominent love language is 'physical touch'. I just read a book about this and I learned something. Did you know God loves us as well as disciplines us using our love language? Welp, today : exhibit A.

For the past few weeks I've been running around like a psycho trying to balance all of these things/to-do's/decisions/commitments that all hold real importance to me(except for school. aka the death of me) All of these are things that I'm not willing to, or simply cannot just drop from my life. Its been a mess trying to figure them out. So finally today, God said, mae leah, enough is enough. He allowed me to become just sick enough to where I was no longer able to function to do the things I needed to get done. In the mean time, what made it even harder was that I was letting other people down (cancelling our awesome small group day) and at times since I am too sick to take care of myself, I am forced to let my mother wait on me. I'm not sure if this is actually harder for her or for me.


So yep, God took me out of my own plans today. He rebukes and teaches me that I need to just freaking stop. He makes me lie down in green pastures (or literally in this case, on my green comforter). All of these things that God gave me to do, to balance, were not given to me for ME to do. Instead they are for Him to do through me.


Yes, the things I'm juggling are important to God and I dont believe He wants me to discontinue any of them. But the point is, I'm the one who's doing the juggling, not Him.

Sometimes, its a rude awakening when He will cripple me just enough so I cant do anything about anything. And I've talked about this before (scroll down) and this is one of those moments when God decided to humble me and put me back in place.

He wants me to stay true.

This brother knows whats up 8:43 PM

In order to be sure that we are doing God's will, we should simply develop an attitude of faith, hope, and love. We need not to be concerned about anything else. It is simply not important and should only be regarded as the means of getting to the final goal of being entirely lost in the love of God.
- Brother Lawrence

About a year ago, if you asked me if I thought I was was an optimistic person or not, I would probably answer with the response of, No I dont consider myself to be optimisticand I dont think I am pessimistic either. I am just realistic. Looking back I see what I thought realism was, and lets just say things have changed. Still the labels of optimism and pessimism have not changed for me, instead reality has. Jumping off a cliff (metephorically please) only to see if God will catch you is something that happens in a life of anyone who will be changed. Seeking out God's will, for the most part, always means encountering these cliffs. Stepping off of that cliff does not seem like a realistic descision. But what real reality looks like is not logical and does not make sense to any reasonable person. I wanted to be reasonable at a point in my life. Being reasonable was being smart and safe and wise. Yeah, God showed me otherwise. He is beyond reason and He is beyond what is logical. He doesnt make sense so stop trying to figure things out. Stop pretending like you know what is best.

We too often forget about the greatest variable in the equation- how great the God waiting for us on the other side is. What He is capable of or just the fact that He is there. He is there. Its like He makes everything okay.

I love that reality is something that is in itself faithful, hopeful, and abounding in love. It gives us a reason to have faith, hope, and love in our lives. I am so in love.