but i woke up in a fit of tears that didn't seem to subside for awhile. i realize this is not my "diary" and is getting closer to the 'too personal for the blog' side of things but im keeping at this right now because i realized something. In the midst of this blehh, (what ever you want to call it) i kept asking myself questions that i don't have the answers to. You have no idea how much i wish i was able to ease my longing and searching for the questions i have. i wondered how much of this was from the enemy... i questioned if this mourning was even just my own...
...i do this sort of thing. its become a bad routine of mine to have a list of big questions that i for some reason think i can just come up with a simple and satisfying answer to on my own. this has been the culprit to many frustrating and undying times of confusion that never seem to be put at peace. but really it is very rare that i feel like i work out my answers to these questions. too many times i am not confident in the arrival of my answer, so it's just left there for me to pick at internally.
As good as looking for answers and meaning in things is, i will not ever be able to just come up with them on my own, even after lots of thought. instead (like everything else in my life) i have to, in a way, learn how to surrender them. the holy spirit is left to uncover understanding after doing so.
i must just realize that my answers may not come when i want them. they may be revealed even after i forgot i had the question. it is more difficult to accept that some might/will intentionally be left unanswered.
but i am not abandoning my questions, instead surrendering the answers to them.
i happen to end this filled with God's mercy- as this progressed, i was watching the sky gently become brighter. i am SO not about to play the "its all better now" card with what originally sparked this because as that fades in and out, it may alway be a part of me. but this time, and so contrastingly i am brought to tears because of light instead of darkness. not because i'm all happy now but because i know this God that is so good that i have to just sit here and take it.
