sometimes i have those moments when i realize just how much i do not understand myself.
i lose all track of how i operate, how i handle things, or what gets to me.
i find that everyday is a pretty good/good day and then i get to a day that hits a point of breakdown. this is when i realize that all those pretty good/good days were what lead up to and caused the breakdown day. maybe it is how i gauge my idea of a good or bad day. it's not a very good method. for instance, no bad incident happened today, theres nothing new to freak out over, no tears, i worked hard and loved the people around me, etc....so overall, it couldn't have been too bad of a day right?
i can be so incredibly stupid sometimes.
i think the thing is that i just want to be having good days. normal days. i apparently want those words to be synonymous. it's truly delusional. honestly as i say these things, i feel like i'm talking about a different person. i feel like the person i'm talking about is pretty dense and kind of ignorant. i feel like if she sat down with me to meet over coffee and told me all these things about herself, i would tell her that she is missing the entire point. i would ask her to tell me when Jesus ever fought for normalcy. i would tell her that doing your day "right" does not always mean tending pleasantly to each area of her life, it does not mean getting through it feeling burden-free or unwounded. i would tell her about God's bigger plans. i would tell her that i saw Him pushing for her be broken so that he can build her into something she dreams to be. i would tell her that all of this will be worth something beautiful.
it is uncanny how much harder it is from this side of things. knowing i'm not just sitting on the uplifting side of that conversation. we live in a battle of spirit and flesh, of things eternal and things of the earth. every one of us is 100% physical and 100% spiritual. both feel so real. but it's the one that feels much more immediate that throws me for a loop again and again.
2 Corinthians 4
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (16-18)
