hey gurrrl. 3:45 AM

took a 3 hour nap tonight

...couldn't fall asleep again.

...finished this, though!

(it's a beanie.)

just phlogging (photo blogging) the things i love. 11:55 PM

i got caught up in looking through all my folders of photos i'd taken in the last couple of years. these are just a few that brought me back to the

memories&stories, ups&downs

that i can't help but to connect with each photo.

if you recognize a picture, know that i love you!

sunset 11:10 PM

Even the view from good ol' Redbud Ct can be breathtaking.

Think about THAT metaphor, you people.

clash of spirit and flesh 12:20 AM

sometimes i have those moments when i realize just how much i do not understand myself.

i lose all track of how i operate, how i handle things, or what gets to me.

i find that everyday is a pretty good/good day and then i get to a day that hits a point of breakdown. this is when i realize that all those pretty good/good days were what lead up to and caused the breakdown day. maybe it is how i gauge my idea of a good or bad day. it's not a very good method. for instance, no bad incident happened today, theres nothing new to freak out over, no tears, i worked hard and loved the people around me, etc....so overall, it couldn't have been too bad of a day right?

i can be so incredibly stupid sometimes.

i think the thing is that i just want to be having good days. normal days. i apparently want those words to be synonymous. it's truly delusional. honestly as i say these things, i feel like i'm talking about a different person. i feel like the person i'm talking about is pretty dense and kind of ignorant. i feel like if she sat down with me to meet over coffee and told me all these things about herself, i would tell her that she is missing the entire point. i would ask her to tell me when Jesus ever fought for normalcy. i would tell her that doing your day "right" does not always mean tending pleasantly to each area of her life, it does not mean getting through it feeling burden-free or unwounded. i would tell her about God's bigger plans. i would tell her that i saw Him pushing for her be broken so that he can build her into something she dreams to be. i would tell her that all of this will be worth something beautiful.

it is uncanny how much harder it is from this side of things. knowing i'm not just sitting on the uplifting side of that conversation. we live in a battle of spirit and flesh, of things eternal and things of the earth. every one of us is 100% physical and 100% spiritual. both feel so real. but it's the one that feels much more immediate that throws me for a loop again and again.

2 Corinthians 4

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (16-18)

an EP 12:12 AM

Dr. Seahorse album called Red Carpet:

If it was made into a painting, it would look like one of those cool abstract modern paintings. But not the smart-ass kind that gets on your nerves because it has no apparent meaning to it or the kind that is so modernly abstract, that you say to yourself "i could do this." If this album morphed into the form of canvas and paint, it would be the one in the gallery that you stand in front of for a long time, call your friend over to look at, and say "huh." Lots of color and shapes. Genuinely creative and respectfully modern.

tracks 1 and 3 win... so far.

get it off itunes for $4.95 and get your freak on.

i don't want to be pigless anymore 11:48 PM

i was recently told about a pet called a teacup pig and now i'm kind of obsessed with the idea of getting one. since my birthday already passed, for christmas i ask that everyone tries to convince my mom that since i can't get a dog, i MUST have one of these dear forever-baby pigs.

that's all i ask.

ESS 12:03 AM

so this is my class. just shy of 30 as of now.

rowdy, defiant, DRAMATIC little things. if you met them, you'd agree. and if you saw how long it took to take this picture, you would understand. but it's entirely impossible not to love them.

picka-shoe 6:31 PM

i admit, i was never a pokemon maniac or platform fanatic ... but these are to die forrrrr.

birthday 8:06 PM

My birthday was last weekend.

And okay, so maybe my birthday isn't a huge deal to me. But the people in my life are. I feel so blessed by the people I was able to spend time with.

(don't tell anyone, but you're my favorites)

also, check out the treat tim and natalie gave me.

It's Beyoncé in cupcake-form, right?!

(ribbit) 6:21 PM

one of the world's smallest frogs.

I want.

Lord's Prayer 7:27 PM

The "Lord's Prayer", or the prayer that Jesus exemplifies in Matthew 6 is so great! It's authentic and straight-forward but deep. As I was studying about it, I found out that there are a few little ad-ons and modifications that have been attached to it over the years by the Catholic church and recited in liturgies. One of them is called the 'embolism' and it comes just at the very end, right behind "...deliver us from evil." it goes a lil' somethin' like this:

"Deliver us, Lord, from every evil, and grant us peace in our day. In your mercy keep us free from sin and protect us from all anxiety as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ."

It is meant to be an elaboration of the simple "deliver us from evil" line. It's charming and I especially find the last half of the embolism to be quite beautiful.

its interesting though, reading the sentence right before Jesus says the prayer:

(Matthew 6:7-8) "And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him."

I am the first to admit to accidentally babbling while praying, so I'm not dissing the Catholic church or calling them pagans because they added to the simple prayer. And I happened to appreciate their little commentary. But like I said, its interesting.

I wish I could learn more faster. (like more AND faster)

Jehovah Shammah: The LORD is there. 8:04 PM

I read a passage this morning and listened to a song later in the day. They very much connected in my head and in my heart...

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,"

Even darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

(ps. 139:11-12)

Hello Hurricane, you're not enough

Hello Hurricane, you can't silence my love

I've got doors and windows boarded up

All your dead end fury is not enough

You can't silence my love

(switchfoot)

I imagined Jesus to be singing the song and me being able to join in with him. He is our only Hope.

iYiY? 12:23 AM

Justin Beiber has competition.

Cody Simpson is here.

Okay so maybe no one knows how to pronounce his latest song title. But who cares when you have these looks?

the last line of the verse is the coolest. 7:47 PM

"As for you, O Lord, you will not restrain your mercy from me; your steadfast love and your faithfulness will ever preserve me! For evils have encompassed me beyond number; my iniquities have overtaken me, and i cannot see; they are more than the hairs of my head; my heart fails me. Be pleased, O Lord to deliver me! O Lord, make haste to help me!" psalm 40:11-13

My very good friend was talking about something she had heard in a message. I forgot exactly what she said but it went along the lines of needing to repent and ask for forgiveness with every day. It was surprisingly a new thought, or rather a new understanding, for me. And okay, so even after hearing it, i've been needing to do a lot of this lately. i didn't agree to have a relationship with Jesus if all i was going to do was be distant with him. So here i am to give thanks and praise to my Lord who spent the last few days feeding me new mercies when and even because i was busy creating space between us. Still he remains with a patience i wish i could fully understand. "For this God is our God for ever and ever. He will be our guide even to the end."

The Things You Probably Won't Hear On Missions Night: 10:15 PM

AFRICA...

Where chapstick became essential to existence.

Where I confirmed that I am indeed dating the sweetest guy there is.

Where thousands of tiny beetles in my living space became the norm.

Where the boys lived more luxuriously than the girls. (heaters, carpeted rooms, daily hot showers, no bugs, no stomping from upstairs at 6am) I'm not bitter.

Where I made the decision that I am adopting a black baby because they are the cutest kind.

Where I have never heard so many random songs be sung in a period of two weeks. (i give most creds to nikki)

Where the people around you bring you the most joy and the most irritation. (but more joy)

Where i finally felt like i hung out with the popular kids. (just because we were the minority.......the white people)

Where i got my wish and miraculously became a morning person for two weeks. (short lived)

Where i was fully in support of Beiber Fever.

Where my team almost got charged by an elephant named Stompy.

Where i dishearteningly discovered my gifting is not in construction after all.

Where i've never wanted to be in so many places at once. (we had our ministry teams doing all different things at different places at the same time).

Where i am pretty sure they managed to steal a piece of my heart.

coloradoh! 8:14 PM

flight, hotel, and rental car: $335

last minute gift card and greeting card: $25

waking up at four in the morning: $a small fortune

being a 3rd wheel to Paul and Alison for a weekend,

seeing robbie,

james and malia getting married,

and packing extra slow so it seems like a longer trip...

...priceless. $ :)

so worth it.

photoshop + dry humor 5:11 PM

to see full size:

http://i78.photobucket.com/albums/j90/yourelame90/tag1.jpg

Do you remember these?

There have been several short-lived trends on facebook...this being one of them. It is an image meant for people to tag their friends in...i'm not exactly sure why.

But i bet we have all been tagged in at least one of them.

However, this is one that you haven't been tagged in before, nor is it one that you would want to be.

That is why i posted it on my blog and not my facebook...it's much too rude if i was being serious.

This may have been inspired by people i know... some may be even by the people i love most.

So don't feel self-conscious :)

I apologize for my strange humor.

if i had three wishes 9:49 PM

they would be:

1. to turn into a "morning person"

2. to wake up (early) with expert cello skills.

3. Whirled peas for everyone.

(i would also ask for the ability to teleport, but i'm pretty sure magical things only come in groups of three)

it's summer 9:25 AM

and i miss playing settlers with my homies.

oh lord help me, 9:22 PM

my little sister is growing up and its creeping me out.

the time is 8:17 but that is irrelevant. 12:25 PM

My Uncle Kelly says that life is all about relationships.

Relationships are intricate and fun and beautiful and not easy.

They are full of all kinds of challenges that are meant to be overcome. They go through turns and transitions because they need to. They need to teach us, define us, and refine us.

So even when separation, uncomfortable and inconvenient, is matched with endurance and devotion it becomes profitable for a relationship. Just like with God, we of course always want him to "feel" as near to us as he had once felt. But from time to time he will pull himself away so our longing and pursuit become stronger. Not so that he is absent (because he is not), but so we become achingly eager for him, in order that we hope for him more and recognize how deep our love for him is.

grad weekend 1:11 PM

After attending two graduations in a row, this is what i've learned:

1. bring something to entertain you through the long and numerous speeches, such as a deck of cards or small snacks. if you forget, 20 questions and "i spy with my little eye" works well too. My favorite is a long zoom lens to put on your camera so you can take pictures of unique or intriguing people from afar when they are not looking.

2. there must be some sort of mandatory code for girls to only wear stripper heels to graduate.

3. all those people in their oversized robes, square hats, and dangly things look like idiots. but in reality, i'm incredibly jealous of them because it means they don't ever have to go to school again.

4. "commencement" is the new "graduation" ........since when?

5. you don't need 9 different traffic controllers within the same five foot distance. you wasted your money hiring dem foolz.

6. kettle corn, funnel cake, and mini donut stands automatically make any event 100% more legit.

7. no matter what you wear or how carefully you choose your outfit, the weather will somehow manage to make you hot and/or cold... repeatedly.

8. sit next to someone who likes to make fun of people too.

9. i found that saying "congrats grad!" is fun...just always.

10. the most exciting part of a graduation is getting your loved one to see you from the stands and then proceed to crazily wave and scream at them. This may last for about 10 seconds, but you never stop being proud of them.

it's late. 12:29 AM

you know those times when you get a compliment and actually feel complimented?

...they are super special and heart-softening, and unfortunately rare for me. it is not fair to read into another person's statement and determine its validity...but i do it. its not fair to myself either. by writing everything off as "they are saying that to be nice", i'm probably diverting other peoples' chances to bless me.

Don't miss opportunities to bless others. Don't get in the way of letting others bless you. Mean what you say. Don't expect repute in return.

this goes further than just compliments, and it applies to all things you say...

"Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful...Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Colossians 4:2,5-6

Me 10:18 AM

Me: I want to go on facebook. I am hungry.
Me: Stop training yourself to be so A.D.D. You will have to starve.
Me: Well, that's harsh.
Me: Get used to it. Now, get back to work.

Me: ..........

Me: ...Blogs are acceptable though.

Me: :D

(you don't have to tell me to stop talking to myself...i already did it). :)

day brightener... 9:16 PM

This is not a bear wearing a party hat, this is a unicorn.

and its funny every time i see it :)

Oh. 8:25 PM

i came across something i had written almost a year ago now:

"By his mercy and by his grace, this will be resolved. We do not deserve his unrelenting and healing hands that hold us and have not released us. His compassions are incomprehensible. He has my swaying heart and won't let it go, although it deserves not even to be touched.

Oh Lord, why do you love me so much, enough to care about me? When I'm too blinded to see your face, you don't let me stray. I don't deserve your plans to prosper me. Still, your loved doesn't care. It doesn't know its bounds."

its funny how you can go through so many learning experiences, changes, lessons again and again, but still need to be reminded and re-comforted in seeing that God's love covers everything.

something special... 12:53 AM

miscommunication 11:28 PM

can hurt lots of people.

It is my intention to go on a good-communication-frenzy only from now on but i know it won't be long before i fail. i am human. so God, help me.

hume 9:47 PM

i went on a short trip to hume this week since robbie is recording his next EP. Here are some things i know...

At hume, everyone who's anyone knows each other.

I've been told raking pine needles isnt fun. who would've guessed?

In the recording studio, there are endless ways to describe how music sounds...some examples: airy, earthy, emotional...i found that most of the descriptions could be matched with pooping as well.

Pixar Shorts are very fun to watch. (with the exception of the one with the deformed baby.)

As tedious as recording songs is, its super fascinating.

My assumptions were correct, Robbie Conrad is the shiznit at hume.

I still don't understand the intrigue with Rich Baker.

I've learned i have a very reliable digestive system. I can always depend on it to hurt if i go on a trip anywhere.

General Store is a rip off, but we still love it.

Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles is one of my new favorite things.

The backseat of a Civic is my new not-favorite thing.

It's good times losing your mind with Kenny.

Hipsters are resourceful and make their own bluetooths.

Rollerblades are for nOObs and roller skates are bO$$.

It's fun being a guest at Joshua.

It is possible to have a sleep-talking conversation. lauren and i would know.

It's possible that i know almost nothing about music.

i am pleased. 6:48 PM

...may be discontinued at starbucks, but not in my house.

more faithful than the morning sun 5:45 AM

Normally you would not catch me up at this time, let alone awake enough to be typing,

but i woke up in a fit of tears that didn't seem to subside for awhile. i realize this is not my "diary" and is getting closer to the 'too personal for the blog' side of things but im keeping at this right now because i realized something. In the midst of this blehh, (what ever you want to call it) i kept asking myself questions that i don't have the answers to. You have no idea how much i wish i was able to ease my longing and searching for the questions i have. i wondered how much of this was from the enemy... i questioned if this mourning was even just my own...

...i do this sort of thing. its become a bad routine of mine to have a list of big questions that i for some reason think i can just come up with a simple and satisfying answer to on my own. this has been the culprit to many frustrating and undying times of confusion that never seem to be put at peace. but really it is very rare that i feel like i work out my answers to these questions. too many times i am not confident in the arrival of my answer, so it's just left there for me to pick at internally.

As good as looking for answers and meaning in things is, i will not ever be able to just come up with them on my own, even after lots of thought. instead (like everything else in my life) i have to, in a way, learn how to surrender them. the holy spirit is left to uncover understanding after doing so.

i must just realize that my answers may not come when i want them. they may be revealed even after i forgot i had the question. it is more difficult to accept that some might/will intentionally be left unanswered.

but i am not abandoning my questions, instead surrendering the answers to them.

i happen to end this filled with God's mercy- as this progressed, i was watching the sky gently become brighter. i am SO not about to play the "its all better now" card with what originally sparked this because as that fades in and out, it may alway be a part of me. but this time, and so contrastingly i am brought to tears because of light instead of darkness. not because i'm all happy now but because i know this God that is so good that i have to just sit here and take it.

thank you, craig...slist. 10:27 PM

latest purchase- i'm digging it :)

WAP! 12:25 AM

Today Robbie and I went to the Wild Animal Pawk!

We tempted the large gorillas with our snacks...

Saw some mini trees...

Rode on a huge balloon apparatus ...

and had a picnic...

it was a good day :)

what a materialist 4:33 PM

My sister just got the canon rebel T1i, the newest release of the line. so yes, of course this made me jealous and want to immediately upgrade my XT asap. but then i realized that i most definitely don't have that kind of dough just layin' around. So then i made a new plan to console myself: do all i can to convince myself that the camera doesn't take the pictures, the photographer does....even though that sentence makes no sense at all, lets try to ignore such details. so new plan, ride out my XT for as long as possible while i brag about it all i can.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." ...I am pretending this applies to electronics as well. :)

some scattered thinking 12:11 PM

Every time I hear about the crisis in Haiti I can't help but to think back to the book of Lamentations. Its one of my most favorite books in the Bible. I'm not really sure why I love it so much, but I guess I just really appreciate how penetrating and profound the distress that God's anger brings in the beginning is and then how it is later met so contrastingly yet so intimately with Hope, because of God's faithfulness.

Also, I just wanted to add that I just realized how patient the Jewish people must have had to be. When reading the Bible, I always forget how different those times were than they are now. (like the fact that i just read about it being a freaking 4 month walk to get from this one city to another. I would have died.) It also blows my mind that stories are told off of multiple generations having to experience the same "season" before any sort of change happens. It almost doesn't seem fair to those people belonging to the passing generations that don't necessarily get to see the works begin or end, but instead spend their lives paying for the faults of the generations before. You'd think with a new generation, God would just give a new start, but it does not work like that. I wonder if I am part of one of those generations? I wonder if I am part of a generation who sees change? Maybe it is both. Either way, it is true that God works on timelines of all sorts of lengths and sometimes he chooses to use history in order to teach us the great magnitude of his lessons.

and also, i take it back. i cant really label israel as patient. however, they were probably more patient than me.

Okay, 12:43 AM

What I wanted is what I got. But frankly, I am feeling incredibly terrified of it now.

It has been on my heart for a while now about letting school drop from my life for a while. I didn't really expect for it to happen this soon though. Yes, it would have been more convenient and less threatening to myself and to my mom to say that I am considering taking a semester off after spring and after getting my GE. But, I just felt like God had different, and maybe not so 'organized' of plans for this up-coming semester.

I have never been a huge optimist about going to school (to say the least) but i swear, that was not my motivation for this decision. no really, i'm serious.

after a very long and difficult talk with my mom she made a decision "against her will" to let me go through with this. along with this conversation, she brought in a huge reality check for me.

there are a million things spinning in my head now, but here are some things i know for sure...

growing up is scary.

going to school is probably easier than this is going to be.

i'm so scared of the discipline i'm going to need.

intentionalness is definitely the running theme of the year so far.

I better be right about God putting this on my heart or else this is going to totally suck.

I'm still scared.

Give me some time, hopefully i will be happy about this again.

2009. 11:14 AM

Though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. - 1 Peter 1:6-9

2009.

The year when I experienced the mot genuine peace, is also the year I watched my life turn upside down. The year when I saw the most love, is also the year I saw the most pain.

Well I believe I've only gotten to see that peace because of God's grace and Holy Spirit. And also the fact that He has never left me and never will. And that is a fact because it is His promise.

Secondly, I've learned that in this life, with love comes pain.

So why would I keep loving with my greatest ability, if I can already see the dooming possibility of love's counterpart?

Ironically, as someone who has/had a great fear of being hurt, I will tell you.

1. Big picture- God will ultimately carry you through pain. He also will make you capable of loving more than you every have before. This also requires you to give Him all that you can of your heart and will.

2. If not for any other reason, love for the sake of not letting satan get what he wants. This world is full of pain but despite it and in response to it, God will do work that is good. So despite the scariness of pain, don't let the fear satan wants you to feel get in the way of the love you can experience.

3. God is love. this brings me to my next point...

4. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

But warning, after you put yourself out there after choosing love over fear, do not be surprised by the amount of pain that is possible for you to feel. Instead, be patient, for God does not fix things immediately. But also find assurance in the fact/promise that God will not give us more than we can handle.