more faithful than the morning sun 5:45 AM

Normally you would not catch me up at this time, let alone awake enough to be typing,

but i woke up in a fit of tears that didn't seem to subside for awhile. i realize this is not my "diary" and is getting closer to the 'too personal for the blog' side of things but im keeping at this right now because i realized something. In the midst of this blehh, (what ever you want to call it) i kept asking myself questions that i don't have the answers to. You have no idea how much i wish i was able to ease my longing and searching for the questions i have. i wondered how much of this was from the enemy... i questioned if this mourning was even just my own...

...i do this sort of thing. its become a bad routine of mine to have a list of big questions that i for some reason think i can just come up with a simple and satisfying answer to on my own. this has been the culprit to many frustrating and undying times of confusion that never seem to be put at peace. but really it is very rare that i feel like i work out my answers to these questions. too many times i am not confident in the arrival of my answer, so it's just left there for me to pick at internally.

As good as looking for answers and meaning in things is, i will not ever be able to just come up with them on my own, even after lots of thought. instead (like everything else in my life) i have to, in a way, learn how to surrender them. the holy spirit is left to uncover understanding after doing so.

i must just realize that my answers may not come when i want them. they may be revealed even after i forgot i had the question. it is more difficult to accept that some might/will intentionally be left unanswered.

but i am not abandoning my questions, instead surrendering the answers to them.

i happen to end this filled with God's mercy- as this progressed, i was watching the sky gently become brighter. i am SO not about to play the "its all better now" card with what originally sparked this because as that fades in and out, it may alway be a part of me. but this time, and so contrastingly i am brought to tears because of light instead of darkness. not because i'm all happy now but because i know this God that is so good that i have to just sit here and take it.

thank you, craig...slist. 10:27 PM

latest purchase- i'm digging it :)

WAP! 12:25 AM

Today Robbie and I went to the Wild Animal Pawk!

We tempted the large gorillas with our snacks...

Saw some mini trees...

Rode on a huge balloon apparatus ...

and had a picnic...

it was a good day :)

what a materialist 4:33 PM

My sister just got the canon rebel T1i, the newest release of the line. so yes, of course this made me jealous and want to immediately upgrade my XT asap. but then i realized that i most definitely don't have that kind of dough just layin' around. So then i made a new plan to console myself: do all i can to convince myself that the camera doesn't take the pictures, the photographer does....even though that sentence makes no sense at all, lets try to ignore such details. so new plan, ride out my XT for as long as possible while i brag about it all i can.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." ...I am pretending this applies to electronics as well. :)

some scattered thinking 12:11 PM

Every time I hear about the crisis in Haiti I can't help but to think back to the book of Lamentations. Its one of my most favorite books in the Bible. I'm not really sure why I love it so much, but I guess I just really appreciate how penetrating and profound the distress that God's anger brings in the beginning is and then how it is later met so contrastingly yet so intimately with Hope, because of God's faithfulness.

Also, I just wanted to add that I just realized how patient the Jewish people must have had to be. When reading the Bible, I always forget how different those times were than they are now. (like the fact that i just read about it being a freaking 4 month walk to get from this one city to another. I would have died.) It also blows my mind that stories are told off of multiple generations having to experience the same "season" before any sort of change happens. It almost doesn't seem fair to those people belonging to the passing generations that don't necessarily get to see the works begin or end, but instead spend their lives paying for the faults of the generations before. You'd think with a new generation, God would just give a new start, but it does not work like that. I wonder if I am part of one of those generations? I wonder if I am part of a generation who sees change? Maybe it is both. Either way, it is true that God works on timelines of all sorts of lengths and sometimes he chooses to use history in order to teach us the great magnitude of his lessons.

and also, i take it back. i cant really label israel as patient. however, they were probably more patient than me.

Okay, 12:43 AM

What I wanted is what I got. But frankly, I am feeling incredibly terrified of it now.

It has been on my heart for a while now about letting school drop from my life for a while. I didn't really expect for it to happen this soon though. Yes, it would have been more convenient and less threatening to myself and to my mom to say that I am considering taking a semester off after spring and after getting my GE. But, I just felt like God had different, and maybe not so 'organized' of plans for this up-coming semester.

I have never been a huge optimist about going to school (to say the least) but i swear, that was not my motivation for this decision. no really, i'm serious.

after a very long and difficult talk with my mom she made a decision "against her will" to let me go through with this. along with this conversation, she brought in a huge reality check for me.

there are a million things spinning in my head now, but here are some things i know for sure...

growing up is scary.

going to school is probably easier than this is going to be.

i'm so scared of the discipline i'm going to need.

intentionalness is definitely the running theme of the year so far.

I better be right about God putting this on my heart or else this is going to totally suck.

I'm still scared.

Give me some time, hopefully i will be happy about this again.

2009. 11:14 AM

Though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. - 1 Peter 1:6-9

2009.

The year when I experienced the mot genuine peace, is also the year I watched my life turn upside down. The year when I saw the most love, is also the year I saw the most pain.

Well I believe I've only gotten to see that peace because of God's grace and Holy Spirit. And also the fact that He has never left me and never will. And that is a fact because it is His promise.

Secondly, I've learned that in this life, with love comes pain.

So why would I keep loving with my greatest ability, if I can already see the dooming possibility of love's counterpart?

Ironically, as someone who has/had a great fear of being hurt, I will tell you.

1. Big picture- God will ultimately carry you through pain. He also will make you capable of loving more than you every have before. This also requires you to give Him all that you can of your heart and will.

2. If not for any other reason, love for the sake of not letting satan get what he wants. This world is full of pain but despite it and in response to it, God will do work that is good. So despite the scariness of pain, don't let the fear satan wants you to feel get in the way of the love you can experience.

3. God is love. this brings me to my next point...

4. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

But warning, after you put yourself out there after choosing love over fear, do not be surprised by the amount of pain that is possible for you to feel. Instead, be patient, for God does not fix things immediately. But also find assurance in the fact/promise that God will not give us more than we can handle.